Must do better

So, @lord_sugar doesn’t like my ad campaign?

Fri, 07 Jun 2013 19:30:53 +0100

So, @lord_sugar doesn’t like my ad campaign?

007 and a half stone. :(

Wed, 15 May 2013 13:43:37 +0100

007 and a half stone. :(

I didn’t want them anyway.

Tue, 14 May 2013 16:41:22 +0100

I didn’t want them anyway.

My mobile love affair(s) - Part 1: Making, Receiving, Ignoring

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 13:38:17 +0100

I’ve suddenly felt compelled to tell you all (wishful thinking) a story. This is a story of love, passion and betrayal. There are pictures. Read on.

I’ve always had a mobile phone. Not the ancient kind of “car battery in your backpack” mobile. A phone for making calls. A phone for receiving calls. A phone for ignoring calls. That was the remit and that is what we got.

My first phone. A Nokia something or another. I don’t remember. So many numbers. So long ago. I do know it had a stubby aerial. This lasted for a while - it was an indestructible brick. It was function. I didn’t love it. I resented the fact that people could now contact me wherever there was a phone signal.

But then I became envious of a friend’s new muse. The Nokia 8110. You remember right? THE Matrix phone. I HAD to possess one. I knew someone who knew someone - they got me a reconditioned unit and for a few brief months I was in love. It was heavy. It was clunky to use. It was all I needed until a change in mobile provider forced me to abandon my beloved and move to pastures new.

Orange seduced me with the promise of an even finer lover than I’d had before.

The one thing that bugged me about the 8110 - the slider. It was manual. How inconvenient. It wasn’t like it was in The Matrix. Keanu’s phone had added special effects. His slider flew open with befitting speed and fluidity. But Nokia had something planned and Orange was paving the way. WAP. My god, how WAP was going to change the world and there was one phone that you HAD to HAVE to get onboard the WAP Boat.

Nokia listened.

Nokia watched the success of The Matrix.

Nokia regarded the special effects loaded 8110 with envious eyes.

Nokia hatched a plan to give the people the phone THEY DESERVED.

Nokia delivered The TRUE Matrix phone. With special effects just like Keanu had. With a big screen to show off that lovely WAP. With a roller for seamless vertical scrolling.

Except it wasn’t. Maybe it was me. Maybe I heard the marketing buzz but didn’t really listen to the truth.

Sure - the slider opened at the push of a button - most of the time. When it wasn’t sticking. I did not love this phone. I still loved the idea of the 8110 with special effects. And what of WAP? Well, I heard some people found it useful to check horse racing results.

It had to go. Nokia let me down. Nokia let us all down but worse was to come. I got an upgrade but Nokia decided at that time “hey, let’s make a range of phones for fashion - let’s not make them rectangular - candybar is dead!” Great. Thanks Nokia. I needed an alternative and I found one.

Samsung you beauty. Now I can be Captain Kirk. I can be William Shatner playing Captain Kirk. I can talk to someone for real.

The E700. It was small. It was cool. It was a Star Trek communicator (or as close as - I guess Samsung was a little more cautious about being “directly inspired” back then).

I loved this phone. I really did. It was cute but it was a little slow. That bugged me. But hey - it’s for making, receiving and ignoring calls, right? And it did that well enough.

So, the E700 and I had one glorious summer together and then it came time to speed date again. I felt bad but another contract (back in those days) meant a new phone. It was par for the course -

“Hello, am I speaking to….. Your contract is due for renewal - are you happy to go ahead?”

“Well, I’ve been happy enough but ……… what can you offer me for no cost??”

Standard stuff. Operators were giving handsets away. The housing market was booming and everyone was happy.

Nokia was still playing arseface with its eccentric (shitty) designs. Nothing appealed. Except one little beauty from a manufacturer I’d never considered before. The mating of Japanese design and Swedish engineering. It was love at first sight for me (see how fickle I am??) This chique little beauty so wowed me that she (yes, it’s a she) deserves a full width spread (photo).

See how glorious the K750i was? It was small. It was quick. It had a great camera. It was love.

I really did love this phone. We went everywhere together and I was never ashamed to hold its hand. But tragedy struck. A chance encounter with a second floor window saw my love lie motionless in an unnatural position (in pieces). No problem. I can get over it. This is exactly what insurance is for. Except that they were no longer available. Such was the intensity of our relationship and so involved was I that time flew by unnoticed. The model had been “discontinued”. Repair was not an option. I was forced, with a heavy heart, to kiss goodbye to the finest phone I had ever been with.

“You’ll like the W850” said Orange. ”It’s new. It’s brilliant.” It’s crap. It went straight back. ”It’s no K750i”, said I.

It’s David Beckham’s fault really. He was in a magazine holding a new Nokia. It looked good and I needed to make a decision. My window of opportunity was closing fast. I leapt through and grasped the stainless steel elegance of the Nokia 6300. Nokia - where had you been? I’ve missed you. It was always you.

Truth was, Nokia had been spending their time “getting their shit together”. In my eyes, they were back.

The stainless finish was cold to the touch. The screen big and bright. The sleek black lines alluring.

Sure, you could now “do stuff” if you wanted but for me it was still all about the calls.

Making. Receiving. Ignoring.

There we have it - our relationship lasted longer than the contract. I was called and they tried to make us break up (upgrade) but it was never going to happen. Never. There was no one else for me.

It was all about the calls.

Making. Receiving. Ignoring.

The Peter Serafinowicz Show isn’t just on iTunes. Coming...

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 08:58:47 +0100

The Peter Serafinowicz Show isn’t just on iTunes. Coming soon to a Sinclair ZX Spectrum near you.

48K only.
Allow 28 days for delivery.
Magnetic media. Please do not bend, x-ray or wash.

RebelMouse NOT Dangermouse

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 17:49:00 +0100

RebelMouse NOT Dangermouse :

Generate a dynamic magazine-style homepage without any particular effort? Yes please. I rather like the sound of that.

http://www.rebelmouse.com/marksemczyszyn/

Leaked photo of an Amstrad workstation deep inside Sir Lord Alan...

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 18:18:29 +0100

Leaked photo of an Amstrad workstation deep inside Sir Lord Alan Sugar’s development bowel showing upcoming features for his Amscreen product.

Analysts believe Lord Alan is keen to rollout his Twitter De-Scum technology to a wider audience.

Introducing Hamlet - the smallest pig in the world starring in...

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 12:04:37 +0100

Introducing Hamlet - the smallest pig in the world starring in the very best YouTube clip ever. Fact!

Thanks to @moodyboobles for this one.

RIP Greymalkin. The King of Kittens. x. Known to some as Graham...

Mon, 28 May 2012 17:01:31 +0100

RIP Greymalkin. The King of Kittens. x. Known to some as Graham and Pierce Prosman.

5/5/1998 to 17/5/2012

The Peter Serafinowicz Show - Now on iTunes

Mon, 07 May 2012 21:37:12 +0100

When I first saw the “Thursdays are Funny” trailer on the BBC and witnessed the reformed Beatles performing on a rooftop, I knew this show was going to be something special. It is.

The core six episodes are some of the most superbly produced, sketch-based comedy ever committed to film (or video I guess). It’s simultaneously weird, uncomfortable, sophisticated, silly and gut hemorrhaging.

Sure, it can be a little inconsistent and there are some weak moments but the highs more than compensate for any minor failings and there are so many times when it flies so high it’s ridiculous.

I won’t mention favourites or describe any of the sketches - best to experience them for yourself. This is one show that honestly deserved all the praise lavished upon it - gallons of immaculate writing, a great cast and inspirational performances from the man himself. Buy it. Love it. Celebrate it. Mourne it. End of.

Now toddle over to iTunes and show your iPad / iPhone some love: Visit the iTunes store in your browser

A DVD for other operating systems and TV owners is also available: Grab it from Amazon

Such a strange choice of radio station for a family restaurant.

Fri, 04 May 2012 21:54:54 +0100

Such a strange choice of radio station for a family restaurant.

Ina Garten owes a friend a huge favour. So she makes them...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 22:39:05 +0100

Ina Garten owes a friend a huge favour. So she makes them sandwiches whilst they enjoy Art’s Cheese.

It’s a little bit like Carry On Camping. But without Sid James. Or Bernard Bresslaw.

Teaser for the upcoming sequel to Dreamworks’ American...

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 22:37:44 +0100

Teaser for the upcoming sequel to Dreamworks’ American Beauty.

Guess the celebrity-remind-a-little / remind-a-lot. It’s...

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:12:39 +0100

Guess the celebrity-remind-a-little / remind-a-lot. It’s some film that was on Venus TV a few nights ago.

Everyone loves TV chef James Martin, right? Sure you do. You may...

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 23:05:00 +0100

Everyone loves TV chef James Martin, right? Sure you do. You may like him even more now.

In this episode, James goes for a walk at the marina and then goes for a carefree spin in his car.

Proof that organic is best.

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 08:41:39 +0100

Proof that organic is best.

In today’s economic climate, it’s crucial for the...

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 11:48:19 +0100

In today’s economic climate, it’s crucial for the manufacturing industry to diversify.

Get sausages for tea? Sure. So what will it be. Let’s...

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 20:40:17 +0000

Get sausages for tea? Sure. So what will it be. Let’s see. There’s traditional, Cumberland, Pork and Apple. Oh hello! Here’s something new.

There’s nothing I like more than watching Michel Roux...

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 17:59:42 +0000

There’s nothing I like more than watching Michel Roux Senior craft a delicate rabbit crouton.

The Future of Law Enforcement: Trailer for quite possibly this...

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 19:07:08 +0000

The Future of Law Enforcement: Trailer for quite possibly this summer’s big hitter at the box office.